Random Quotes, Vol. 1

For lack of any actually worth writing about, I present to you this fantastic collection of quotes I find hilarious. Enjoy.

Loathed by the Intelligent, Loved by the Brainless – Random Quotes, Vol. 1

“There’s two things people gotta know about J to the R-o-c, ya know what I’m sayin’… first of all, I spin more rhymes than a lazy susan, and I’m innocent until my guilt is proven. Peace. Representing Sunnyvale, straight the f*ck up.” – J-Roc, Trailer Park Boys

“Turn that thing off, he’s pulling his goalie” – Bubbles, Trailer Park Boys, referring to a camera crew that accidentally goes into J-Roc’s room while he’s “changing”.


Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son." – Lionel Hutz, Simpsons

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product. Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to. Homer: Bart, go to your room.

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star. – Abe Simpson

"Randy, would you like a Krispy Kreme doughnut?"
"No I’m good, I just had toast" – My Mom and Randy

"What are you gunna do with that?"
*flips box*
“I’m gunna mold it, stretch it, snap it, and mix colour it" – Mark and Randy’s cousin, referring to a new bought package of Nutty Putty


"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?" – Homer Simpson

"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races." – Homer Simpson

"Everything with you has to be so jokey."
"I'm a comedian."
Elaine and Jerry, in "The Cartoon"

"I like gum."
"I do too. You see, that's what we're about. You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum."
Janet and George, in "The Cartoon"

"The guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi."
"Why? What happens if you don't order right?"
"He yells and you don't get your soup."
- Jerry and Elaine, in "The Soup Nazi"

"They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!" - Kramer

"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
"So, hopelessness is the key?"
"It's my only hope."
- George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!

Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.

Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

It's not that I want to kill her...I just dont want her alive..anymore – Stewie, Family Guy

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. Conan O'Brien


In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. Conan O'Brien

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career. Conan O'Brien

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. Conan O'Brien

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. Conan O'Brien

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. Conan O'Brien

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. Conan O'Brien


Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose. – Chief Wiggum, Simpsons

You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty. – Chief Wiggum

They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants. – Moe, The Simpsons

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything. – Moe

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close. – Homer


Television: Teacher, mother, secret lover. – Homer

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. – Homer

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. – Homer

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy. – Homer

I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant. – Mr. Burns

Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?!!
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.

"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do."
- George, in "The Phone Message"

"Mmm... I love this artificial flavoring. I like it better than butter. I think it's more consistent."
- Jerry, eating popcorn, in "The Stall"

"Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing. Just let it finish."
"You're going to overdry it."
"You can't overdry."
"Why not?"
"The same reason you can't overwet."
- Jerry and George, in "Good News, Bad News"

"I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy."
"You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend."
"Yes. Yes, yes."
"The bad fiance, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk."
"Okay, the point is made."
"The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen. The bad tipper!"
- George and Jerry, in "The Little Kicks"

"Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You gotta rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."
- Jerry, in "The Voice"

“Where you going with those clubs, punk?” – Happy Gilmore
“Ho!”
“Ooooh!” – Happy Gilmore and Chubbs Peterson, after Happy smacks his wooden hand off.

“You know Happy’s gonna make it alright with the smoochy smoo, kissy wissy” – Happy Gilmore

“Damn alligator BIT MY HAND OFF!”
“OH MY GOD!” – Happy Gilmore and Chubbs Peterson

Happy: Haha...send him home. I just send him home. Time to go home there, ball. (putts) Son of a b*tch ball! Why didn't you just go HOME! ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?! ANSWER ME!!

Happy: Well, I'm outta here! I hear that Asteroids machine calling my name from the gameroom, so Peace!

Shooter McGavin ..."Just stay out of my way. You'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: How about I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay and lay by the bay. I just may. What do ya say?
Happy Gilmore: You're confusing me, just let me put the ball in the hole.


Happy Gilmore: Oh, I'm just um looking for the other half of this bottle and I oh there's some of it...there's some it it there too.
Virgina: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yea I know.